Here's the highlights of how this all began

Last night I had a PB&J after I came down from the gram of cocaine I snorted with my sweetie. I didn't eat anything yesterday but that sandwich and that was because J made me eat it. I am at school, in a small room between 2 classrooms, there are 2 doors on each side of me. I am at a desk with the school's laptop pretending to do my work. I would be in class, with the rest of the students, but I'm too paranoid, that they're all watching, looking for my nervous twitch or shudder, because I know, and they know, that THEY, are better than me. It started when my parents thought that my kidcare insurance did not cover me after I turned 18 in October. So I had to stop taking my medication for my anxiety, depression, and bipiolar disorder. Later my councler from school looked into it and found out kidcare insurance covers until I'm 19. My parents still would not get my meds because they figured, why bother? You'll be 19 next year. Yeah, mom and dad, NEXT YEAR. Silly right? Like I could've stayed with the kidcare and set up the new insurance for when I'm 19 and still have my medication. My parents seemed to not even believe that without my pills, my life had become a 24/7 anxiety avoiding job. I stopped eating with J's family at the dinner table; too much eye contact. I stopped having cigarettes with his uncle and grandpa in the sunroom all the time. I chose not to go to the field trips, not to go in the classrooms, and not to walk in graduation. (I might not graduate anyways.) Eventually I got so afraid that I gave up and stopped trying to get over this fear. I isolated myself so much that now I'm in this pattern, and I REALLY, am having the hardest time easing my way out of it. I started dating J in the summer. I was wearing gray leopard shorts and a black tank top, walking down my long country road, going some where, maybe the bp gas station, I don't know, but I'm glad I went, cause J was on that road too. He was driving his black blazer and stopped to say hi. He knew my name already. We exchanged numbers and we have been with each other ever since. My parents and I got into alot of arguments since they didn't believe anything I was saying 70% of the time. Finally it got to a point where they both said I was stressing them out too much and I needed to leave. That happend about a month ago or so and I have been living with J, his grandparnets, and his uncle and 2 kids, ever since. About a week and a half ago I was taken to my appointment at the free clinic and was given a prescription for zoloft. I have been doing alot better. Less edgy, more energetic. Medication does not do all the work for you though. I don't want to go into detail about my other past issues but I used to cut myself, and I've tried to kill myself more than a couple of times, and I've been hospitalized so many times I've lost count. I honestly don't like myself. I feel like such an outsider. I don't have any friends. I'm so afraid of life. There are 3 things that seem so dreamlike to me because I feel too dumb and afraid to begin any of it. Those things are learning to drive a car, have a job, and have a little baby. J takes care of me in every way and loves me unconditionally. Were really a good pair. He saved me cause I would've given up on my life if I didn't have him there to get me through my most difficult year yet. Starving myself helps me love myself. I can't truly love and care for another, if I can't do that for myself. How can I let go of the world of starvation? How can I let go of someone that was ment for me? Please sweetie, let me lose more weight. There's no way I can be happy at 120 pounds.