BF is making fasts difficult

I had a 100 calorie bag of chips yesterday for lunch. I got home and a couple hours later J asks me if I can have a burger. I say yes. I eat it fast with just the patty and bun. Later he tells me I need to eat something else, that I didn't eat enough yet. For a while I couldn't decide on a safe food item to eat. J asked me if he made eggs, would I be willing to eat it? I said ok. I had an egg on one piece of bread and a slice of cheese on top. Also a 120 calorie bag of chips to go with. I really wasn't hungry. I really didn't want any of that. All I wanted to have was that 100 calorie bag of chips and that 120 calorie bag of chips for later. I'm going to lie to him today. I have to. I'll tell him I had a 280 calorie candy bar. Which I do really have, I got it from one of my teachers. Instead I'm going to throw away the candy part and keep the wrapper for proof. Also I'm going to tell him I had a 150 calorie cereal bar. So that's 430 calories. He works tonight at the pub and grill so I'll tell him I had like a bowl of cereal or something for when he gets back. He always gets a free dinner there so I'll just plan on having a salad. Which I will allow myself to have some of the salad. It's always good to eat a little something to avoid any binging. It's lunch time here at school, I'm not eating. I'm ready to get home and smoke a bowl and have a cigarette. When J leaves for work I will work out. Probably run and do some situps. If the sun is still out I'll lay out and get some color. Sounds like a lovely pro ana afternoon. I'm feeling a little sick cause of my stomach being so empty. Gosh! I'm so ready to get out of here. I could be working out right now. I think I'm going to lay outside for lunch and get some sun. Peace.

Graduation or weight loss?

I tried on a pair of my old jeans and they are too big. I have another pair of jeans that I bought and were too small and now fit me perfectly. What would be even more pleasing is if those jeans were too big on me as well. I'm starting to ignore the consequences of my lifestyle with ana much more now. People are giving me comments on how much weight I've lost. On how good I look in my jeans. I've been consistent with staying in the range between 125-130 lbs. I tend to go up and down for a little while and then I go on to a new range of numbers. Lower numbers. I remember this time last year I weighed 127 lbs. I am at school right now. I'm supposed to be working on graduating but instead I'm addicted to the pro ana world online. I go to an alternative school. Kids come here if they get suspended or expelled or have problems being in a regular school environment. I come here because I am special ed in all my classes and I do better educationally here. My anxiety is also an issue and this school has very small classes and other flexible options for a girl like me. But like I said I've come to a point to be doing all my work in a little room between 2 classrooms. I'm eating "pop" chips for lunch. 100 calories for the whole bag, about 19 chips. And a diet cherry coke. I got an extra bag of baked potato chips, 120 calories for the whole bag, for later on if I'm feeling weak. I'm so far behind with my work. I can't get myself to care more about school than losing more weight. I want to be at least 115 by the last day of school. I really wanna be 100 pounds by the last day of school but I don't wanna get my hopes up too high. Well wish me luck and stay strong girls.

Here's the highlights of how this all began

Last night I had a PB&J after I came down from the gram of cocaine I snorted with my sweetie. I didn't eat anything yesterday but that sandwich and that was because J made me eat it. I am at school, in a small room between 2 classrooms, there are 2 doors on each side of me. I am at a desk with the school's laptop pretending to do my work. I would be in class, with the rest of the students, but I'm too paranoid, that they're all watching, looking for my nervous twitch or shudder, because I know, and they know, that THEY, are better than me. It started when my parents thought that my kidcare insurance did not cover me after I turned 18 in October. So I had to stop taking my medication for my anxiety, depression, and bipiolar disorder. Later my councler from school looked into it and found out kidcare insurance covers until I'm 19. My parents still would not get my meds because they figured, why bother? You'll be 19 next year. Yeah, mom and dad, NEXT YEAR. Silly right? Like I could've stayed with the kidcare and set up the new insurance for when I'm 19 and still have my medication. My parents seemed to not even believe that without my pills, my life had become a 24/7 anxiety avoiding job. I stopped eating with J's family at the dinner table; too much eye contact. I stopped having cigarettes with his uncle and grandpa in the sunroom all the time. I chose not to go to the field trips, not to go in the classrooms, and not to walk in graduation. (I might not graduate anyways.) Eventually I got so afraid that I gave up and stopped trying to get over this fear. I isolated myself so much that now I'm in this pattern, and I REALLY, am having the hardest time easing my way out of it. I started dating J in the summer. I was wearing gray leopard shorts and a black tank top, walking down my long country road, going some where, maybe the bp gas station, I don't know, but I'm glad I went, cause J was on that road too. He was driving his black blazer and stopped to say hi. He knew my name already. We exchanged numbers and we have been with each other ever since. My parents and I got into alot of arguments since they didn't believe anything I was saying 70% of the time. Finally it got to a point where they both said I was stressing them out too much and I needed to leave. That happend about a month ago or so and I have been living with J, his grandparnets, and his uncle and 2 kids, ever since. About a week and a half ago I was taken to my appointment at the free clinic and was given a prescription for zoloft. I have been doing alot better. Less edgy, more energetic. Medication does not do all the work for you though. I don't want to go into detail about my other past issues but I used to cut myself, and I've tried to kill myself more than a couple of times, and I've been hospitalized so many times I've lost count. I honestly don't like myself. I feel like such an outsider. I don't have any friends. I'm so afraid of life. There are 3 things that seem so dreamlike to me because I feel too dumb and afraid to begin any of it. Those things are learning to drive a car, have a job, and have a little baby. J takes care of me in every way and loves me unconditionally. Were really a good pair. He saved me cause I would've given up on my life if I didn't have him there to get me through my most difficult year yet. Starving myself helps me love myself. I can't truly love and care for another, if I can't do that for myself. How can I let go of the world of starvation? How can I let go of someone that was ment for me? Please sweetie, let me lose more weight. There's no way I can be happy at 120 pounds.

Secrets

I really love my life with my man. It's unique, special, rare. But he doesn't want me to be anything below 120 pounds! And I must have at least 1000 calories a day. When I personally crave to be about 100 pounds and eat only 600 calories a day (or nothing at all). Today I weigh 129 lbs. I was about 145 lbs, 2 months back. So when I finally reach the 120 lbs mark I'm planning to keep the next 5 pounds that I lose, a secret. Eventually he will notice I am not 120 lbs and I will have to make a decision, Go pro? Or go with love?